Rupture and Repair
Rupture refers to moments of disconnection, conflict, or misunderstanding that naturally occur in relationships and is needed in order to deepen and strengthen connection. In attachment theory, repair is the process of restoring trust and emotional safety after the rupture. Growth only happens in these moments of repair as they strengthen the bond by showing that the relationship can withstand challenges. Rupture and repair is essential in parent-child relationships and every other meaningful relationship you create. The repair is the process of strengthening the relationship by building emotional resilience and trust to deepen closeness or intimacy and connection. This cycle occurs in all meaningful relationships, highlighting that moment of conflict, followed by intentional repair, foster deeper understanding, trust, and connection. Without rupture, meaningful repair—and thus growth—cannot happen. It is not about the event, it is about what happens afterwards that is the key to relationship.
Ruptures in relationships can range from minor disagreements—such as a misunderstanding over chores or plans—to major conflicts, like arguments about unmet needs, boundaries, or values. In smaller ruptures, emotions like frustration or annoyance may surface but are often resolved with quick clarification or acknowledgment. However, when escalation occurs, minor issues can snowball into larger conflicts, often driven by feelings of being unheard, invalidated, or misunderstood. In more intense ruptures, emotions like anger, sadness, or resentment may arise, leading to withdrawal or harsh words.
The Repair Process: Immediate or Delayed Resolution
Repair can happen in the moment or days later, depending on the emotional intensity and each person’s readiness. The key to successful repair is talking through the issue until it is resolved—listening, acknowledging and showing the other person that you care. However, that does not mean that this solves the problem, rather the focus is on creating safety by hearing and being heard. The problem itself can either be resolved by negotiating a solution or accepting that no solution exists while finding ways to mitigate consequences for both parties. Repair rests within the process of negotiation requiring patience, honesty, and understanding. The best growth can happen in moments where no resolution is possible and both people walk away feeling a sense of mutual understanding, validating each other’s feelings, and ensuring that the unresolved issue does not damage trust or respect in the relationship.
Empathetic Listening and Thoughtful Dialogue
Empathetic listening is the cornerstone of effective repair. It requires talking so that you can be heard, and listening so that you can understand. It requires fully hearing the other person’s perspective without interrupting or planning a defense. When listening, it is essential to notice your own emotional reactions—what is “your stuff” (internal triggers, biases, past wounds) versus what genuinely belongs to the other person. When talking, it is important to express yourself without laying blame on the other person. Being aware of these dynamics prevents misinterpretation and keeps the conversation focused on the current issue rather than escalating into unrelated territory.
Talking To Be Heard
During the conversation, owning your emotions is paramount. Sometimes using I statements (I felt overwhelmed when…) to express our own emotions is the best way to be heard. The tricky part is often what comes next as the above statement can tangent into …when you do xyz… Staying with the first person perspective can take a bit practice on identifying our own feelings. I felt overwhelmed when I thought I was not being heard-as opposed to- I felt overwhelmed when you talked over me. Once the word you is said we are often going down the rabbit hole and into escalation preventing the other person from hearing what we are saying as they are already planning their defense. “I felt” is a good opening as we are owning our feelings…and avoiding blame or accusation by eliminating the you statement– I felt overwhelmed when you did that. That one little word you can change a nice conversation into an argument. Try to avoid the structure of I felt because you did – it’s a loaded statement. I feel overwhelmed when I express my opinion and it feels like no one hears me. Saying how you are feeling without anchoring it to the other person’s behaviour is tricky and takes practice. Bottom line is that you feel the way you do because of a lot of factors and the other person’s behaviour is just the triggering event. More about emotions in another blog. For now, realizing that your emotions come from multiple sources is sufficient.
Listening to Understand
The next skill is to become a good listener by checking out without assuming you know how the other person is feeling. It starts with reflecting the other person’s words (It sounds like you were hurt…) or (let me see if I understand what you are saying…) which ensures they feel heard and you find out if you were right…yes, I was hurt or no, I was angry. Both emotions are valid and taking an educated guess provides ample information regardless of whether you guessed correctly. Guessing wrong gives you just as much information as being right because you are basically decoding their emotions as you are learning to recognize and name their feelings—whether anger, fear, or disappointment. Knowing what your partner or child or co-worker looks like when they are angry, frustrated, happy or sad comes from getting to know them on a deeper level. Decoding what facial expressions, posture, and tone means in emotional language is the magic. Emotional development begins by the person identifying their feelings. Then, being able to name and express either verbally or non-verbally is the next step. When we use emotional speak we are modeling emotional intelligence-when we use emotional listening we enrich emotional development and connection.
When you are listening, your task is to practice avoiding becoming defensive and focus on seeking clarification. You are not agreeing with the person, you are working to understand them. Connection is rarely about the story, connection comes from understanding the other person’s emotions.
The goal of these discussions is connection, not perfection—repair does not mean agreeing on everything, rather it is about fostering mutual respect. Repair becomes effective when each person feels safe, heard, and valued, paving the way for trust to deepen through the challenges.
