Co-Regulation Parenting: Supporting Both Parent and Child Through Connection

The word regulation is grounded in the function of the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) which is the body’s built-in operator.   At its core, the ANS has one mission: to keep us alive, no matter what. It reacts automatically to life-threatening events and dangers, but it also helps regulate everyday rhythms.  

The ANS is designed in a teeter totter pattern of balance with the sympathetic side that elevates, increases and stimulates processes in the body.  This is the activation side that gets us up in the morning, gets the kids out the door and us off to work.  This is our UP-regulating process!   

The parasympathetic is designed to calm down, decrease, and initiate restorative processes ensuring longevity.  This initiates relaxing the body to digest meals, improve immune functions, and to go to sleep.  This is our DOWN-regulating process! 

How the Nervous System Connects to Parenting: Co-Regulation in Action

Our nervous system is a  beautifully complex system, and here’s where the magic begins: our nervous system is not isolated. It interact with and respond to people around us.  Co-regulation is how we tune into each other’s nervous systems to understand the level of safety or threat.  We can tune in and regulate to another person by reaching up (infectious laugh) or by sinking down (sobbing).  Other people’s nervous system can also co-regulate to our level of regulation.  Having a finely tuned regulation system, allows us to remain calm (regulated) while empathizing with the other person expressing that they are heard and seen and that they are invited to join our level of calm regulation – sometimes called holding space.  The nervous system uses eye contact, tone of voice, body language and words to communicate.  The nervous system is  always alert to the environment and scanning for safety or threat and the opportunity to co-regulate.  Ideally, we want to maintain calm when other people are dys-regulated helping them to find that place of calm and control.

In parenting, this interaction plays a crucial role. The way a child’s nervous system learns to regulate itself depends heavily on the caregiver’s ability to regulate their own. When a parent stays calm, their child’s nervous system can “borrow” that calm and move toward safety. 

Why Co-Regulation Matters in Parenting

When children are overwhelmed—crying, yelling, or shutting down—they’re not just acting out; their nervous systems are dysregulated. They need a parent’s help to shift out of these states. This is where the parent’s ability to regulate their own nervous system becomes essential. And, this is where the magic happens.

The feedback loop works something like this:  The child is dysregulated (angry, anxious, or withdrawn) – the parent provides co-regulation by staying calm and present – the child feels safe, and their nervous system begins to settle – the parent feels empowered by the child’s shift, reinforcing the parent’s own calm state – both the child and the parent benefit from this feedback loop, strengthening emotional connection and resilience over time sending a message that “You are safe. I am here. We can get through this together.”  This mutual regulation creates a healthier environment in which to strengthen safety in that relationship. As the child grows, they gradually learn how to self-regulate by shifting from dysregulation to regulation. This skill building will continue to grow and help to enhance a well balanced adult who has distress tolerance to manage the stresses life throws at them.

At other times, if a parent escalates meeting the child’s level of dysregulation then both can feel unsafe and with no one taking the lead both can continue to elevate together.  And this happens!  Take a moment to think about how a crying baby affects you.  Do you remain calm or does it create agitation?  We attune to their little nervous system and they attune to ours.  Parenting can be stressful, and parents sometimes find themselves getting triggered by their child’s behavior—whether that’s a tantrum, defiance, or withdrawal. In those moments, the parent’s nervous system might shift into fight (yelling), flight (walking away), or freeze (feeling overwhelmed).

The key to co-regulation is not getting stuck in the same state as your child. If your child is having an emotional meltdown, your calmness helps bring them back to safety. But it’s normal to struggle with this! It takes practice to stay regulated when your child is not.

When a parent and child successfully co-regulates, a beautiful thing happens.  The child feels safe and supported, which builds trust and emotional resilience. They begin to learn, “It’s okay to have big feelings, and I can calm down with help.”  In addition, the parent feels more empowered because they’re not just reacting to the child’s emotions but leading with calmness and presence. This creates a positive feedback loop—the calmer the parent, the safer the child feels, which helps the parent stay calm in return.

Practical Tips for Staying Calm in Tough Moments

1. Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath. This gives your brain a second to process the situation instead of reacting impulsively.
2. Shift your focus to connection. Ask yourself: “What does my child need from me right now?” Often, it’s connection and safety.
3. Self-regulate first. If you are overwhelmed, it is okay to take a brief break to calm yourself before helping your child.
4. Use soothing signals. Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and even touch can signal safety to your child.
5. Embrace imperfection. You do not have to get it right every time. When things don’t go well, repair the moment by saying: “I was upset earlier, but I’m here now.” This teaches your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and repair relationships.

Final Thoughts

Co-regulation is a powerful tool in parenting. When we stay calm and connected, even during difficult moments, we help our child feel safe. In turn, that safety provides safety and builds connection for both child and parent—creating a more peaceful and positive experience for the whole family. It’s a practice, not a perfection game. The more we engage with it, the more natural it becomes to respond with calm even when things feel chaotic.

Continue to explore in the Rupture and Repair blog…